Family, Compassion And Equanimity

The Buddha said suffering is a part of life, something that we know to be true: life is stressful and uncertain. It could be said that change and uncertainty are probably the only constants in our lives, which can either be a cause for us to suffer or to growth. 

One thing is certain when we start a family, everything changes; it results in a total upheaval right down to our brain, body and hormones for both women and men.  There is nothing more stressful, uncertain, and constantly full of change than the process of parenting one's children. And while it might be that the change into becoming parents might bring us hardships and joy, growing up is not all fun and excitement for our children.

So how do we go about dealing with change? How do we learn to bear the pains and joys of life without being caught up in them or turning our backs on them, and how do we teach our children to do the same?

Traditionally, in eastern meditation practice, this quality of abiding is called equanimity. It's an attitude of holding whatever arises so as to act on it wisely, and it is not passive or indifferent.

When it comes to our families, equanimity and compassion are inextricably intertwined. For example, if we feel burnt out and ignore or dismiss our children's problems, we will have equanimity without compassion.

We can also be on the opposite spectrum having compassion without equanimity because we respond to our children's immediate wants, maybe to the detriment of their long-term needs. After all, we might not be able to tolerate their discomfort.  To a certain degree, compassion with equanimity is like telling someone, "I want you to be happy, but I don't need you to be happy in order to be OK."

Rather, the opposite equanimity is an act of radical acceptance of not-knowing and a way to stop taking things too personally. 

We are also taught in meditation to recognise intense and challenging feelings when they appear without acting on them, similar to how we notice the weather. We should do the same thing for our family members, noticing in our teens, "Ah, rage is here." Sadness has arrived"—though, depending on the mood, these feelings may or may not be noted aloud.

In this way, we give ourselves the opportunity to engage in a deeper relationship with all of life in a manner that embodies harmony and equilibrium in the face of transformation and instability. Above all, equanimity allows one to provide a strong, healthy foundation for our children's attachment, ensuring their optimum physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.